Post 28

 

Movin'

     Last week, feeling in need of some change, I took off the rack from my fixed gear Spicer and put on some drop bars. And I’ll tell you what, the bike has changed completely. Of course, the Spicer was always more athletic than my white bike but now I can’t even explain it. It’s like you get on the bike and it just says “GO!!”. I think it’s the more aerodynamic position combined with the less weight on the front. Truthfully I feel I need to get stronger now, like I can’t do the bike justice anymore. And the bartape wrap on these bars is probably my best work so far if you’ll allow me to brag. I haven't ridden the white bike much in the past 3 weeks. 
    Part of the Spicer's athleticism or spirit or feel is just something about fixed gears. It's the momentum, the flow; the connection and awareness that comes with lacking brakes. Nothing is like a fixed gear bike. And many people have tried to explain in words the thrill of riding one, some more successful than others. I might join them one day, but its kind of one of those things you just get if you get. When I first got my State 4130 fixed/singlespeed in high school I thought I would probably keep it single speed, my idea of fixed gear bikes was that they were unsafe and silly. Why would anyone not want to be able to stop pedaling? After curiosity got the best of me and I tried it out, then I understood. Now I've been riding fixed gear bikes for more than 4 years. 
    On the tenth there was a high of 38 degrees. I went for a ride wearing a wool sweater and a hoodie, two pairs of gloves, and thermal tights underneath pants. Still I was cold, especially my hands and I was often riding no-handed with them tucked into my hoodie pocket. It didn’t really even do much. On a bike the world feels colder, you're pushing your way through that cold dry air and taking big ol' gulps of it. Through your snotty nose and chapping lips you deliver this poor air into your scrunched asthmatic windpipe then your burning, aching, screaming, muscles. Somehow, it feels good. The self-imposed difficulty in moderation as a reminder of one’s own ability. Climbing steep hills with a fixed gear on a cold day. I was thinking “most people wouldn’t/ couldn’t do something like this” and that felt kind of good, even though all things considered I’m kinda slow. 

Good advice probably

    Lately I have been thinking more about moving, probably back to Delaware. Of course moving somewhere, especially because you just want to go there isn’t ever easy. Probably won’t happen for years, but it’ll happen one day I think. It's true Delaware has higher cost of living, greater inequality, and a corrupt government but it's mine. I just feel kind of good there. Although once I move the feeling could wear off and I’d feel like moving again. 

    Maybe living in four states by the age of nineteen is not good for a person. Maybe its the least of the things that haven’t been good for me. I was looking at old photos from Hawaii earlier and metaphorically kicking myself for ever having left one of Earth's most special places. You just can't live everywhere.

    The hills outside of town now are mostly brown, but the few red and orange trees left look like ugly scabs on the earth; or like bruises on a gray corpse. One night I went up in those hills to try and see the northern lights. Didn’t see much but a really faint red blob. In this shaky long exposure photo one can see it better than the naked eye. Turn your brightness up.